So what, now what?

18.12.2017

Between the ages of nine and ten years old I was molested. It was my first sexual encounter. 

 

I battled back and forth how to say that, but it is simple, I was molested so many times I lost count. I remember thinking, what is going on? Is this normal?  Is this what friends are for? Laying on back doing as I was told while she explored my body in ways I didn’t even understand. I couldn’t understand why my body was so fascinating to another human being. I wanted her to stop and questioned why we couldn’t just play? why was it she had to push my legs open? 

 

I wanted to tell my parents, but I stayed in trouble so I didn’t say anything. This was the same friend that convinced me to take my aunts cigarettes and smoke the whole pack in the back room of my paw paws house. My grandmother walked in and as smoke rushed out of the room she raised hell! I can never live that down. Instead, I opted out of family trips to Mississippi. I vowed to never go back. I would make up excuses. My dad never asked why, but accused me of not wanting to be around him or his side of the family. My mom never questioned because I think she was happy I wanted to be with her. Parents usually forget to ask questions when their at odds with each other. My life from that point on was never the same. 

 

That was a pivotal time in my life that shaped who I am as a woman. Being violated makes you question everything: friendships, relationships, family, appearance, thoughts, and the list goes on. My defense mechanism was to create a picture perfect image, so that no one could judge me and I could hide certain areas of my life. This helped me bury the thoughts so deep that I became a new person. I lost who I truly was or is it I never knew who I was?  Can you imagine the type of people I attracted by doing this and the burden that I carried? I've even dated a narcissist! (I'll save that for another day).  

 

In a way I think having the ability to bury things actually helped me. I knew I couldn’t live like that forever, but it was a temporary bandage. It lasted long enough for me to go to college, graduate, and embark on my career path. Of course, God said now it’s time to stop pretending. Now Im going to force you to face this and you won’t have peace until you do. On top of it all Im going to make you face your truths through your husband.

 

After the narcissist I was afraid of men.  I took time for myself. I got my own place, I talked to men, but nothing was serious. I had a no attachment rule and was up front about it! I had to find out what I wanted and what I thought I needed. I actually met my husband right after college while on a short stint working for Walmart in the managerial program. I knew of him, but we never really spoke. I knew working in retail was not for me, so I ended up walking into my purpose as a educator. I left and never thought of him or that job. While out for my friend's birthday, I saw him in the club and he have me a hug. Shortly after he contacted me and we became friends. At the time I was still happily single. I even joined the single ministry at church. LOL that didn’t last long. I realized people were there to hook up. I was just looking for God fearing friends!

 

 Even as friends he forced me to love myself. He was the ONLY person in my life I shared what happened to me. I remember the day I shared it with him. It was a very intimate moment. The images of being that little girl rushed back uncontrollably, and I knew he was my friend. Something in me said "share it with him".  The look in his eyes as I told him made me regret saying anything. I never wanted anyone to look at me like that again. It was a look of pain and sympathy. Thats exactly what I didn’t want, so I asked him to never speak of it again. He granted me that, but I think he found ways over time to push me to have to talk about it. He helped me to do things like set boundaries with people, not allow people to control my emotions, not sweat the small things, how talk to my mother and create a new relationship with her. He even helped me to not care about what the world thinks and stop trying to keep up with other people (this is still a struggle). He supports me without judgement. I don’t think he knows this but he does things and I watch him in awe. His spirit is genuine and self control is amazing. When I look into his eyes I know that God sent him and crafted him for me. He knows things that only God knows about me. 

 

I know that the journey is far from over, but I’m learning to face that I was molested and I will never get to ask why because she's dead. I believe she accidentally shot herself. I don't quite remember the whole story and try not relive any of it.  I'm learning to face that my mom is sick, my father is dysfunctional, and the fact I was pregnant by a narcissist. There's more but you get the gist. 

 

On the other hand, Ive learned to embrace my blessings. Through it all God has led me, I graduated from college with a bachelors and masters degree, I have a great career, I mended my relationship with my sister, I have great friends and a phenomenal husband. This is what matters! The other things are apart of my testimony, but they don’t determine who I am today. 

 

It took me depending on God and no one else, separating myself from certain people, creating boundaries, depending on God some more, embracing Gods blessings, and facing my truths to me able to share my testimony. 

 

                                                                                             God built me for this.  

                                                                                        If I can do it you CAN too!

                                                                                         This is simply me loving 

                                                                                               The Skin Im In 

 

 

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