I can't stress how important it is to heal the little girl that still lives inside of us. It is impossible to live our lives to fullest if we are still carrying trauma and pain that we went through as children.
Recently, my grandma died (yep during a damn pandemic). My dad and I actually had a conversation that was needed in order to finally kill this chapter of my life. Thats right I said kill. It is exhausting to carry this type pain for 20 years. On the way to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for my grandmother, my dad and I stopped at Lucys (its a cafeteria kitchen here in Texas that is delicious by the way). We decided to eat in the parking lot because we didn't have much time before our appointment.
We ended up talking about the conversation I was able to have with my grandmother right before she died. We brought up the trips we use to take to Mississippi, and the girl's name came up. I instantly started getting nervous. My dad spoke candidly and confessed that the girls "dad" was raping her! Some of my family also thought he may have had something to do with her killing herself. In that moment, I knew I had a small window to tell him what happened to me. Because of the toxic relationship we have had, I never felt I could tell him.
After saying it out, I could see the pain on his face. He was already hurting because his mom died, but now his oldest child dropped a bomb. I know some may not understand why I said something, but I felt it in my spirit that he needed to know. He asked why I didn't I say something before? I explained "Dad I was so young and scared. I didn't know if anyone would believe me. Thank God her dad never touched me while I was at their house. But now I see why she did what she did to me". After I told him, we drove in silence for the next 20 mins. We haven't brought I up since and to be honest we don't have to.
A sense of understanding came over me. I feel like God gave me the answer to my last question. Why did she do this to me?
It helped me to understand that she was in pain. She was hurting. That in no way excuses what she did, but it did give me room to extend grace and allow her to Rest In Peace. Forgiveness is an amazing feeling!
This was very important to healing this little girl you see here. By the age of thirteen I had been through so much trauma. As I got older, I decided to take responsibility of my own healing and it has been a rocky journey. Almost four years later I am finally getting to smoother grounds.
Through prayer, therapy, readings, journaling, vulnerability, and a lot of boundaries I have been able to start healing. I am not complete, but I am excited to start feeling like the person God ordained me to be.
I am here to let you know healing isn't easy but it is necessary. Stop hurting people because you refuse to heal. It is necessary to heal, so that you can be the best woman you can be for yourself and those around you.
I am living proof! You are are not alone in this.